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parlicoot
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Re: Greetings from barcelona
You're among friends here, Pablo. Thanks for sharing that difficult (for you) bit of info. No here gives a a rats ass about it, I daresay; you are valued for being Pablo, and that's it. It's just great to know you're out there in the community, working and having fun when you can. You've done a lot of positive stuff recently. Hope it continues. lol parlicoot
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26/Sep/07, 14:52
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squillie
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Re: Greetings from barcelona
It can be really difficult "hinting" at your sexuality and hoping people get it! I know that personally. Is it tonight you're going out with friends?
Hug x
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28/Sep/07, 7:19
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pablo246
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Re: Greetings from barcelona
Yes it is yes. I'm meeting them about 7 and we're having a meal and a few drinks. I also told someone I know quite well in work yesterday and he didn't bat an eyelid which gave me a real boost. Guess things are improving slightly. Glad you told me about yourself aswell. I would never have thought. I've come to terms with it very gradually over many years. But finally I seem to be getting somewhere. I think part of my trouble is the way I've handled it and not really being with anyone and not being able to talk to family. Hope you are well.
Very best wishes
Pablo xxxx
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28/Sep/07, 14:19
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squillie
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Re: Greetings from barcelona
How did Friday go?
I'm really pleased telling your friend was a positive experience. I don't know if this is helpful to you, but the night I told my mother I was actually out on my own in a gay pub (i did it by text!!) she rang there and then and told me they'd been waiting years for me to tell them! It was no suprise at all, and really no big deal. It was a HUGE deal to me though.
Keep me posted!
Hugs xxx
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1/Oct/07, 8:40
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pablo246
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Re: Greetings from barcelona
Friday was a mixed bag really. At the end of the night one of the girls I was out with said thanks for a lovely night. However during the night I said I felt my youth was over when I hit 30 and told the group I was out with I was telling everyone I was 29 when it was approaching. It upset a man who was out with us who was 64 and he seemed quite annoyed with me. He also hinted I was out with them because I had nothing better to do. I did genuinely want to go out with them but it left me thinking maybe I have got not as much in common with them as I thought.
I certainly didn't intend to upset anyone. They all seemed like such nice people who genuinely enjoy caring for people as they are volunteers at a club which I sometimes volunteer at. I'm beginning to wonder what type of person I am. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a volunteer. I sometimes am there thinking is this for me. Maybe I should just go as a visitor. I am seriously wondering what type of person I am. I have felt terrible since friday night right up until today. I have phoned the samaritans twice. It was the first time I had been out with others this year (not through lack of invites).
I think I thought everyone in hospital had things in common but it's not always the case. Everyone is there because they aren't coping and that is sometimes the only thing in common. When I'm there sometimes I get a cold shiver of fear down my back mixed with anger. I was thinking when I was out on friday I just want to be a nice person.
I don't think I help myself much sometimes. Yet there are people who seem to like me and say I'm doing brilliant. I just feel so ashamed of myself sometimes. My old cpn said I carry my problems around with me like a lead weight.
Regarding sexuality I'm glad your parents were fine about it you should take it on board. Mine weren't too good and I seem to have an innate fear of being gay. My dad said "it's like people's right to smoke" and my mum said "it makes me feel sick seeing two men together".I'm 31 and have been single all my life. I sometimes long for death. I find it difficult to be my own person around them. I shouldn't complain really apart from that and them not accepting my Schizophrenia they have been model parents.
This has turned into an essay.
Let me know your views.
Very best wishes.
Pablo xxxx
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2/Oct/07, 19:15
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squillie
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Re: Greetings from barcelona
Sorry to hear your evening wasn't the best. I learnt years ago that I have very little in common with all the people I've been in hospital with. On the surface, yes, mental health, depression and symptoms, but just because people are in the same boat as you doesn't mean you'll automatically gel with them, or WANT to gel with them.
By the way, you always seem to be a very very nice person on here. It's something that worries me a lot too, being a nice person, so we probably worry more than the average bod about what we've done/said and how we come accross. It's exhausting!
Shame your folks don't understand about you being gay. I suppose it's just going to be part of your life they're not particularly involved in. I don't ever bring it up with my parents, mainly because I don't ever get out enough to meet anyone, so it just isn't an issue.
Do you think you'd be brave enough to go to a local LGBT bar on your own one evening? Even just for an hour to check it out? It might help you feel more accepted and you might meet some nice people.
x
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2/Oct/07, 20:27
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pablo246
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Re: Greetings from barcelona
I've been to the local gay pub before and found it real difficult to be myself. I had a few drinks with some of the locals in there but didn't really gel with anyone. Having said that I did meet someone from Canada whom I thought was nice but he's moved back there now. I found some of the locals really aggressive. I went out for a few drinks with some of them for a while but it didn't really come to anything. I was too scared especially with my troubled past. I would stand in there with my pint nervously drinking it and get comments like "I'll take the f**king pint off him in a minute". The last breakdown really hit me hard. It's left me very uncertain of myself with loads of chips on my shoulders. Maybe I should start liking myself a bit more so others can too.
I say all this and can hear a voice in my head contradicting everything I say. I'm the kind of person who'd be happy with just a few close friends. A task I haven't really given up on. I did have a couple a few years ago but stopped seeing them because they were heavily into drugs. I miss them. One of them especially. I feel terrible I stopped seeing them because they were alright with me. Hospital influence.
You say you had trouble gelling with people in hospital. Have you kept in touch with any of them?
Very best wishes
Pablo
xxxx
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3/Oct/07, 18:20
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pablo246
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Re: Greetings from barcelona
Hi Squillie,
just checking you got my last message as you didn't reply.
I was enjoying talking to you.
Very Best Wishes
Pablo
xxxx
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8/Oct/07, 16:22
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squillie
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Re: Greetings from barcelona
Hi again
Sorry, i haven't been on the board much the last couple of days.
I think you did really well to break away from your drug-using friends, that must have been hard. Definitely the right move though.
Gay pubs seem to be more clique-ie in my experience, so harder to join in. I suppose it's just perseverance? I keep meaning to go up to the only one in this town, but same as you, I find it pretty daunting going on my own, and very much feel I don't fit in. I've really got to try and make some friends in this area though, I barely know a soul.
I stayed in touch with a few people from hospitals for a little while, but none of them were local so I could never meet up with them. Mainly though, I found that all we talked about was the hospital, the staff, the other patients etc, and that got really dull, but also I was trying to forget it all, so i gradually intentionally lost touch with people.
I'm supposed to be going to my photography this morning but really don't feel like it. Hoards of teenagers at the campus, and then 2 hours in a classroom (classrooms in general put the fear of God in me!). I'm struggling with myself not to just crawl back under my duvet, but I know if I don't at least try to go I'll be very disappointed with myself.
How was your weekend? Did you do anything?
hugs xxx
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9/Oct/07, 6:38
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pablo246
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Re: Greetings from barcelona
Nice to hear from you, everything you say is like reading about myself. It's like I'm looking at myself in the mirror. My weekend wasn't too bad, I played football friday. Saturday I went to a club at the hospital. Sunday I went to see my grandad, he's 97 and we went out for lunch. Monday I had a fall out with my parents. My mum made a sarcastic comment about me and the mood I was in although I was not funny with her. It turned into an arguement and made me realise I have never seen eye to eye with my parents and have nothing in common with them whatsoever; making it practically impossible to have a meaningful relationship with them. They refuse point blank to accept my situation and amble on as if everything is alright making me feel ignored and like I don't even exist.
I really feel for you being in a town on your own. My philosophy is if you keep putting yourself out there things can happen and you might connect with people. I understand your worries about the photography class, college kids can be quite daunting. I'd be really scared of sitting in a class for 2 hours. Try and go one week though. It might lift your mood.
I'm going to a cooking class tonight which is frightening to me. Have you thought about going to a drop in centre through the hospital, they can be a good place to socialise without as many barriers. Also if you like art visiting an art gallery is a good idea. If you find it difficult talking while out start a conversation about something simple like the artwork and ask questions about it. That is what I do anyway. In fact I'm going to one today.
Bye for now
Very Best Wishes
Pablo
xxxxxxxx
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9/Oct/07, 11:47
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